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March 13, 2008 at 6:09pm
by Kari In my previous blog post, I briefly mentioned experiencing a recent loss in my family. I also vowed to better explain myself in a future writing, and so, today’s post is about that loss. This is a more personal topic than I usually cover on my blog, but I don’t know how not to address it, so here goes…
Last Saturday, my father died. I had been coming home from college to retrieve my back up hard drive and called home to let my parents know of my plans. I spoke to my mom, who was leaving for work, so after I hung up with her, she went to tell my father that I would be coming home and found him. He had died in his sleep sometime during the night before, presumably from a heart attack, although the exact cause of his death is unknown.
This week has been weird. I say weird because I don’t know how else to put it. Sometimes I just sit alone and cry. Sometimes I feel like I don’t really feel much of anything at all. A lot of the time, all these stupid things I’ve been stressing out about, stuff like student teaching, lesson plans, classes, bills, work, job applications, the future, etc, seem grossly unimportant in the scheme of things.
I’m glad spring is coming. More than ever, I just want that breath of fresh air, the scent of new life, new hope, new happiness. Death is never easy I guess, and I probably handle it better than many do, but how do you say goodbye to someone who has been their your whole life, someone who saw you take your first breath and your first step? I don’t know. I’m not ready. I’m twenty-two years old. I’ll be graduating from college in May, the first in my family to do so. I’m looking for my first full-time job, one where I get benefits and an actual salary instead of hourly wages. Everything is changing, more so than I ever realized it would.
It’s sad, how death changes you. I feel like I understand some of who my father was, why he did what he did, better now than I did in the twenty-two years of my life that I knew him. I wish I could tell him so many things. I wish he wasn’t gone. I wish it wasn’t just my mom and I in this big empty house.
I know my dad was proud of me. My mom told me and Chris told me too. And I know, even without being told. I just wish I could show him all I want to be. I wish I could tell him when I win my first big photo contest, and I wish he could come with me to D.C. or London to see my winning image, printed to massive dimensions, on display in the exhibition hall. I wish he could proofread my first book before it goes to press to give me constructive criticizm. I wish he could be there for the opening of my gallery one day. Just a few months ago, I asked him “If you could go anywhere, where would you go?” He said Hawaii, to see the volcanos. I wanted to take him there.
Being without my dad is going to be very very hard. I’m going to try to do the normal things I love, like photography, but everything seems a little farther away from where my head and heart lie right now. Despite all of my efforts to recover my hard drive, it seems dead, so until I save several hundred dollars to send it out, it looks like I’ll just have to hope spring inspires me some so I can get out there, start shooting again, and get some new photographs to post. Hopefully that won’t be too long from now. In the meantime, thank you for your understanding, patience, and support.
9 Comments
#1. Stacey Derbinshire 03.13.2008
I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
Stacey Derbinshire
#2. Greg Forcey 03.13.2008
Sorry to hear about your loss. I can’t imagine how hard it is and I hope your photography helps you cope. Spring is here in the south, and will be arriving in your neighborhood soon! See you on NSN. Best wishes!
#3. Andrew 03.14.2008
I really can’t know what you are feeling right now since I am not in your shoes. What I can tell you is that all the unspoken things in your relationship with your father are only temporary. As you live your life, you live for him. Your actions are merely the extension of the values he has taught you. Know that he will see his daughter’s success as he is with you always, unseen, but there.
I’m so sorry for you. I’ve not known a loss of someone as close to me as your loss is to you, but I do know photography has bailed me out of some pretty depressing times. Art is the medium for the expression of emotions, so use it. Take care.
#4. Mark 03.15.2008
Kari - so, so sorry to hear of the loss of your father. I hope you are able to find some comfort in spending some time with your photography, family, and friends. It is never easy, especially when it comes as such a sudden shock.
#5. Brien Szabo 03.16.2008
Sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you…, and I’m sure your dad will be with you when you accomplish all your wonderful goals.
#6. Rob 03.21.2008
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my father unexpectedly in the fall of 2006, I was 27, it still seems like yesterday. A lot of the feelings you describe I can sympathize with. Know that he is always watching over you and you will continue to make him proud.
I inherited my father’s old lenses and film cameras. We didn’t share many hobbies, and I was always overwhelmed when he put that F4s in my hand and asked me to take a picture. This past year I’ve taken a few pictures I’m proud of and the one person I really wish I could show them to is him. It’s tough!
Be sure to take care of yourself. It takes time, this is a life changing event. Your desire and inspirations will come back in time if you are not feeling up to it now. Hang in there, your days will get brighter and your dad will be by your side every step of the way.
#7. Wil Hershberger 04.04.2008
Kari,
It is so sad to hear of your loss. I lost my father over a decade ago and I can’t believe that it has been that long. I still miss him and I do wish that he were here to share in what I am doing in my life. It isn’t easy and I guess you never really get over the loss, you just learn to deal with it. Keeping him in your thoughts will no doubt inspire you to push harder and achieve more than you ever thought that you could.
Best of luck with your hard drive. What a pain.
Have a great spring,
Wil
#8. Richard Wong 04.06.2008
Sorry to read about the news Kari. I can’t imagine what it would be to go thru that loss at 22. You seem like you have a lot of good things going for you, so he’ll be proud of where you end up.
#9. Yuri 05.29.2008
Kari,
I am sorry to hear about your loss.
I lost my father when I was 21. The pain is still there, but there is some peace now (after 18 years). I have not forgotten the sound of his voice and I think of him daily - some of my early fears were forgetting the sound of his voice or what he looked like. The lessons he taught me stay with me and take on larger significance since the birth of my daughter a year ago.
If you are able to share your memories of him. It helped and continues to help me.
Yuri
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